the civil serpent

Ah yes.

Now we observe nature’s most obnoxious of beasts, note the complete lack of perceptual awareness, along with the absence of ambition so characteristic of their kind.
We are of course observing the civil servant.
Employed by the government to help you do your administration speedily and effectively. They can be found in driver’s license offices, ID enquiries, and even in all matters concerning your taxes. They perform their function remarkably well when still in their larval state, or ‘intern’ as jargon demands. However, once they transcend this dreary form they throw off the shackles of ‘duty’ punctuality and precision. Metamorphasizing into beautiful uselessness. Their memory of due process fades prior to the disappearance of their ‘helpful’ nature. Feeding hours become longer, while attention spans become shorter. It is unwise to tempt their anger with trivial nothings such as your questions or enquiries. Their fearsome wrath will send you spiraling down queue after queue to find multiple forms (which could really have been all in one couldn’t it?)
Do not question the civil servants methods.
The civil servant works in mysterious ways and are not for mere men to ponder on.

Civil servants are hermaphroditic in nature and can mate with any civil servant, or human, creating a hybrid civil-servant-human also known by the┬ácombination name of ‘civilian’
Civil servant offspring are prone to disfiguration around the ribcage and ankles.
A sad fate awaits these children, as their parents have lost the ability to recognize them by scent, and treat them as they treat the rest of us.

If you have made the all too common mistake of expecting them to do their jobs since they are paid for it, and (unthinkable) do it while treating you like a human being, you need to follow these steps to the letter.

1) do not make eye contact: the civil servant is highly territorial and might call it’s herd upon you.

2) flare your nostrils. This is tried and trusted, though the reasons for its importance was lost when the Alexandrian library burnt down millenia ago.

3) present an offering to show your submission, ideally money works, but half-pies and coke have been known to earn their favour.

4)engage them in a courtship ritual: also known as the cha-cha. Their dulled senses are confused by the jagged movements, and their minds are lulled.

Good, you have now subdued the civil servant. Unfortunately he/she is now asleep, and you will have to conduct your business at a later date.


~ by William Webster on May 16, 2010.

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